There is not very much I can say I have been very good at in life. Not to put myself down, but honestly and truly. I have always been one of those people that is mediocre at a lot if things but not incredible at anything in particular. I am not a great athlete, I am not a great artist. I can't sing, I am not booksmart and I don't really have any talents of any kind. 

If you had asked me a year or so ago I would have said the thing I am best at is loving people. I love unconditionally. I just want everyone around me to be happy no matter what and I may not be the best at it, but I would have said it was my greatest strength. Undying, unconditional love. 

When Mia was born within a matter of minutes I felt in my heart that I could be a great mom. I honestly had doubts throughout my pregnancy which I'm sure everyone has. It's an unknown journey that lies before you that will change your entire life for the remainder of it. People are quick to remind you of that. I just remember gazing into her eyes, rubbing her cheek and thinking about how much love I knew I could give her. 

Somehow along the way, somewhere between the rocking a teeny newborn to sleep, the 1 and 4am feedings, the long days and the short months I found my talent. I am a really good mom. That is my strength. 

I have never been good with self confidence. I'm not one to toot my own horn by any means, but I can speak with confidence for once in my life. When it comes to something I am good at there is actually something I can respond with. 

Granted, Mia is 4 months old. How do you know you're a good mom in 4 months right? You simply do the very best you can every moment of every day. 

I had a tough pregnancy in the sense that I was very sick and very uncomfortable the entire 9 months (though there are far far worse things so I hate complaining!). Pregnancy was not my favorite time, though it was wonderful and I wouldn't trade the experience. Motherhood though is what I feel I was truly meant to do, it just feels natural to me.

That doesn't mean I claim to have the answer to everything or the perfect way of doing things, just simply that I try to and then discover what works best for us. 

I feel as though I am rambling and there is really no point to this post except to simply say I am happy I finally feel good at something. It has been far to many years of not being!

Battle Scars

The impact your experiences while growing up can have on you later in life weighs more heavily than you would ever expect them to. This is part of the reason trusting Mia to a caregiver gives me anxiety. The thought of leaving her to someone who won't think much of the experiences she has among many other reasons just freaks me out. What if something scars her?

I am scarred from my experiences. In elementary school I had 3 friends I spent every lunch hour with and those 3 friends were basically all I had. Danni had gone to another school and I hadn't met Echo yet. One day out of the blue for reasons I still don't know, they decided to pretend I didn't exist. I walked up to them one morning and they ignored me. They ignored me all of class, all of lunch etc. I was suddenly friendless in the cruelest way possible. 

I remember coming home and crying the hardest I have ever cried with my mom. Thinking why couldn't they just talk to me. What did I ever do to them to be treated this way?

It was three immensely painful, long months of bullying, stealing my things, shoving me into walls, breaking my pencils, and much name calling and evil stares before they decided they had "had their fun" and "allowed me" to be part of their group again. I forgave them and foolishly asked for their friendship back as if it were some kind of gift because I was lonely and had no one else. 

I don't talk about this much because I try to block it all out. It was one of the worst times of my life. No child should ever have to go through that. 

Experiencing this scarred me for life. I don't mean to come off sounding dramatic when I say this, but a young girl in grade 4 experiencing this? Sorry but it can't do anything but scar you. I am a forgiving person, but I will never completely forgive those girls for putting me through that and causing the effects on my life that it has. 

They are the reason I feel lonely in a group of friends, like everyone is thinking cruel things behind my back. The reason I hate feeling left out of activities I wasn't invited to when a normal person would understand you can't always be included in everything. They're the reason I battled depression in middle school, have always been unhappy with myself and why that will never completely go away. 

One small moment in time, one experience, can cause your whole life to change. 

As if dealing with all these side effects isn't a large enough time consumer in my life - now I worry about Mia. Will she have to experience bullying the same way I did? Will some experience either in this form or completely different shape her future? Will she always talk to me about her experiences and if she does, will I be able to save her from pain?

Why can't the world be a safe place where everyone is kind to one another?

I hate that I still remember so vividly that feeling in elementary school when I felt so alone and betrayed. I hate that the hurt, sad little girl I was still seeps into my life from time to time without me even realizing it. I hate that those girls had any negative effect on the life I have lead in the years after those events. I wish there was some way to take all of the pain caused by that moment and any subsequent ones away. Maybe all I can do now is to do everything I can to protect Mia from it.