I don't even know what to write. Where do I begin. 

I fell down the stairs with Mia tonight rushing to get out of my parents house. They had babysat, it was late, I could tell hubby was grumpy and just wanted to go home. So I rushed. I rushed and I fell.

I feel forward tripping over my own feet and she would have fallen down 4 stairs, landed on the hard floor with her mother falling on top of her. Instead I threw myself the opposite direction instinctively at the last moment and landed on my back on one stair and fell down the remainder of the flight. Mommy mission accomplished. Protect daughter and hurt self instead. 

Do you know what my husband did? Nothing. He didn't ask if I was alright. He didn't tell me I was a good mother for protecting her. He said nothing. 

Instead of just leaving it at that though, he decided to get mad at me about out finances on the way home. Still no are you ok honey by the way. 

I understand his frustration, they're very tight right now. We had gone to see a movie that cost $30 and I wasn't aware we only had $15 in our account. Finances stress him out. He prefers 0 debt and this pay cheque to paycheck thing turns him into a whole different person. I get it.

So what did I do? Instead of getting angry and defensive (which in a lot of ways I should have done) I was calm and offered solutions. I could get a second job on Sundays, I could help with the finances so I have a better idea of where they're at. I'm not sure how I made it through the car ride home without bawling but I did. 

Has he asked if I am ok still? No. He is upstairs in bed and I am downstairs on the couch debating a visit to the emergency room. What are they going to do for me really though? T3s? No thanks. 

What I'm looking for here is for someone to fix this emotional mess. The emergency room isn't going to do that for me as much as I wish that they could. 

I do everything in my power to be as understanding and diplomatic as I can. I want him to be happy and if tight finances make him unhappy I do my best to be cheap and thrifty. You know what though? In all honesty, doing that often makes me unhappy in return. 

I often think i could have stronger friendships if I could afford to shower my friends with gifts at every occasion. I would have a larger quantity of friends and be more fit if I could afford to join a class or a group. I could be dressed the way I would like and feel confident about myself again if I could afford clothes. 

What do you do?

Right now we have two unhappy people. I can't make him happy, he can't make me happy. What is the solution?

I'm not asking to be showered with gifts or to spend a fortune though I'm jealous that some women are and some people can. I just want a happy medium. I want to be able to live life and enjoy it and have the man I love and my best friend enjoy it with me.

Right now I feel like I am in this extreme high extreme low cycle. I'm extremely happy with Mia, she fills my heart completely up. Then hubby comes home and I expect more love but every day I just end up feeling like I failed him and failed myself. No matter how much cleaning, meal preparing or exercising I may do on top of trying to be the best possible parent I can be. 

When did life get so complicated?

Sleep

Not sleeping well these days. Not completely because of Mia either. The times when she is asleep in just lying here awake feeling anxiety. I want to feel loved and beautiful. I don't feel that way these days. 

Friend suggestions gone wrong

It would be nice if Facebook had an option to tell them WHY you don't want to be friends with someone. 

Dear Facebook, STOP suggesting my ex boyfriends as friends. Trust me, there's a reason we aren't. There are two people that you have been suggesting to me for years. Seriously Facebook, give it up. If you had these guys as exes you would feel the same way. There should be a "click here if you never want to see this persons face again" button. Thanks in advance!

There is not very much I can say I have been very good at in life. Not to put myself down, but honestly and truly. I have always been one of those people that is mediocre at a lot if things but not incredible at anything in particular. I am not a great athlete, I am not a great artist. I can't sing, I am not booksmart and I don't really have any talents of any kind. 

If you had asked me a year or so ago I would have said the thing I am best at is loving people. I love unconditionally. I just want everyone around me to be happy no matter what and I may not be the best at it, but I would have said it was my greatest strength. Undying, unconditional love. 

When Mia was born within a matter of minutes I felt in my heart that I could be a great mom. I honestly had doubts throughout my pregnancy which I'm sure everyone has. It's an unknown journey that lies before you that will change your entire life for the remainder of it. People are quick to remind you of that. I just remember gazing into her eyes, rubbing her cheek and thinking about how much love I knew I could give her. 

Somehow along the way, somewhere between the rocking a teeny newborn to sleep, the 1 and 4am feedings, the long days and the short months I found my talent. I am a really good mom. That is my strength. 

I have never been good with self confidence. I'm not one to toot my own horn by any means, but I can speak with confidence for once in my life. When it comes to something I am good at there is actually something I can respond with. 

Granted, Mia is 4 months old. How do you know you're a good mom in 4 months right? You simply do the very best you can every moment of every day. 

I had a tough pregnancy in the sense that I was very sick and very uncomfortable the entire 9 months (though there are far far worse things so I hate complaining!). Pregnancy was not my favorite time, though it was wonderful and I wouldn't trade the experience. Motherhood though is what I feel I was truly meant to do, it just feels natural to me.

That doesn't mean I claim to have the answer to everything or the perfect way of doing things, just simply that I try to and then discover what works best for us. 

I feel as though I am rambling and there is really no point to this post except to simply say I am happy I finally feel good at something. It has been far to many years of not being!

Battle Scars

The impact your experiences while growing up can have on you later in life weighs more heavily than you would ever expect them to. This is part of the reason trusting Mia to a caregiver gives me anxiety. The thought of leaving her to someone who won't think much of the experiences she has among many other reasons just freaks me out. What if something scars her?

I am scarred from my experiences. In elementary school I had 3 friends I spent every lunch hour with and those 3 friends were basically all I had. Danni had gone to another school and I hadn't met Echo yet. One day out of the blue for reasons I still don't know, they decided to pretend I didn't exist. I walked up to them one morning and they ignored me. They ignored me all of class, all of lunch etc. I was suddenly friendless in the cruelest way possible. 

I remember coming home and crying the hardest I have ever cried with my mom. Thinking why couldn't they just talk to me. What did I ever do to them to be treated this way?

It was three immensely painful, long months of bullying, stealing my things, shoving me into walls, breaking my pencils, and much name calling and evil stares before they decided they had "had their fun" and "allowed me" to be part of their group again. I forgave them and foolishly asked for their friendship back as if it were some kind of gift because I was lonely and had no one else. 

I don't talk about this much because I try to block it all out. It was one of the worst times of my life. No child should ever have to go through that. 

Experiencing this scarred me for life. I don't mean to come off sounding dramatic when I say this, but a young girl in grade 4 experiencing this? Sorry but it can't do anything but scar you. I am a forgiving person, but I will never completely forgive those girls for putting me through that and causing the effects on my life that it has. 

They are the reason I feel lonely in a group of friends, like everyone is thinking cruel things behind my back. The reason I hate feeling left out of activities I wasn't invited to when a normal person would understand you can't always be included in everything. They're the reason I battled depression in middle school, have always been unhappy with myself and why that will never completely go away. 

One small moment in time, one experience, can cause your whole life to change. 

As if dealing with all these side effects isn't a large enough time consumer in my life - now I worry about Mia. Will she have to experience bullying the same way I did? Will some experience either in this form or completely different shape her future? Will she always talk to me about her experiences and if she does, will I be able to save her from pain?

Why can't the world be a safe place where everyone is kind to one another?

I hate that I still remember so vividly that feeling in elementary school when I felt so alone and betrayed. I hate that the hurt, sad little girl I was still seeps into my life from time to time without me even realizing it. I hate that those girls had any negative effect on the life I have lead in the years after those events. I wish there was some way to take all of the pain caused by that moment and any subsequent ones away. Maybe all I can do now is to do everything I can to protect Mia from it. 

Beautiful girl fell asleep watching Curious George today. Not sure what this obsession with monkeys is all about since I've never been that into them, but she seems to love them! 

It's so fun watching her little personality develop and seeing the things she loves unfolding before our eyes.

I came across this blog today http://avioletlifeforme.blogspot.ca/?m=1 through a random click of a button and bawled my eyes out as I read through each post. My stomach felt sick, my throat got that achy burning feeling and I thought "oh my gosh I will never feel safe with Mia. Ever". When I finished reading I went and picked my sleeping Mia up from her crib and cuddled her like never before. Cuddle your baby every single time you want to or need to. Every. Single. Time. You will never regret it. 

My whole pregnancy was always about getting to the safe zone for me. Getting to 12 weeks, then setting new "safe goals". Getting past this test, getting past this milestone or that milestone. Getting to the point of labor, having a safe delivery, seeing her face, hearing her heartbeat.

After that it was infancy. Get through those early months, when the risk of SIDS is highest etc etc. 

I now realize I will never feel safe. That fear I had from the moment I knew she was conceived will never go away. Ever. This will be my life - doing everything I can every single day to make sure she is ok. 

I have always admired the strength of parents whose children have suffered like Violet. Like our local Baby Hannah, like Ronan, like so many other kids in this world fighting. I don't know now they find the strength. I thought this before Mia came into this world but now I can't even so much as think about these things and I turn into an absolute basket case. 

I try to hold Mia every chance I get, tell her I love her, kiss her, pray for her, quadruple check safety things - but it would never ever be enough. Ever. I just can't even imagine. 

On the weekend of Mother's Day stumbling across this blog seems more like fate than accident. So here's to the mothers who have been there, where no mother ever wants to be. To the ones who have watched their children suffer sick to their stomachs in heartache for them and were their strength when they could not find their own. To the mothers who lost their children far too young. To the mothers whose children did not make it - past embryo, past fetus, past birth, past infancy and onward.  All of them. To my Allie, to my Echo, to everyone I love and all those in the world whom I have never met who have ever experienced loss. May you be blessed with strength this Mother's Day. I am sending my love <3