I don't even know what to write. Where do I begin. 

I fell down the stairs with Mia tonight rushing to get out of my parents house. They had babysat, it was late, I could tell hubby was grumpy and just wanted to go home. So I rushed. I rushed and I fell.

I feel forward tripping over my own feet and she would have fallen down 4 stairs, landed on the hard floor with her mother falling on top of her. Instead I threw myself the opposite direction instinctively at the last moment and landed on my back on one stair and fell down the remainder of the flight. Mommy mission accomplished. Protect daughter and hurt self instead. 

Do you know what my husband did? Nothing. He didn't ask if I was alright. He didn't tell me I was a good mother for protecting her. He said nothing. 

Instead of just leaving it at that though, he decided to get mad at me about out finances on the way home. Still no are you ok honey by the way. 

I understand his frustration, they're very tight right now. We had gone to see a movie that cost $30 and I wasn't aware we only had $15 in our account. Finances stress him out. He prefers 0 debt and this pay cheque to paycheck thing turns him into a whole different person. I get it.

So what did I do? Instead of getting angry and defensive (which in a lot of ways I should have done) I was calm and offered solutions. I could get a second job on Sundays, I could help with the finances so I have a better idea of where they're at. I'm not sure how I made it through the car ride home without bawling but I did. 

Has he asked if I am ok still? No. He is upstairs in bed and I am downstairs on the couch debating a visit to the emergency room. What are they going to do for me really though? T3s? No thanks. 

What I'm looking for here is for someone to fix this emotional mess. The emergency room isn't going to do that for me as much as I wish that they could. 

I do everything in my power to be as understanding and diplomatic as I can. I want him to be happy and if tight finances make him unhappy I do my best to be cheap and thrifty. You know what though? In all honesty, doing that often makes me unhappy in return. 

I often think i could have stronger friendships if I could afford to shower my friends with gifts at every occasion. I would have a larger quantity of friends and be more fit if I could afford to join a class or a group. I could be dressed the way I would like and feel confident about myself again if I could afford clothes. 

What do you do?

Right now we have two unhappy people. I can't make him happy, he can't make me happy. What is the solution?

I'm not asking to be showered with gifts or to spend a fortune though I'm jealous that some women are and some people can. I just want a happy medium. I want to be able to live life and enjoy it and have the man I love and my best friend enjoy it with me.

Right now I feel like I am in this extreme high extreme low cycle. I'm extremely happy with Mia, she fills my heart completely up. Then hubby comes home and I expect more love but every day I just end up feeling like I failed him and failed myself. No matter how much cleaning, meal preparing or exercising I may do on top of trying to be the best possible parent I can be. 

When did life get so complicated?

Sleep

Not sleeping well these days. Not completely because of Mia either. The times when she is asleep in just lying here awake feeling anxiety. I want to feel loved and beautiful. I don't feel that way these days. 

Friend suggestions gone wrong

It would be nice if Facebook had an option to tell them WHY you don't want to be friends with someone. 

Dear Facebook, STOP suggesting my ex boyfriends as friends. Trust me, there's a reason we aren't. There are two people that you have been suggesting to me for years. Seriously Facebook, give it up. If you had these guys as exes you would feel the same way. There should be a "click here if you never want to see this persons face again" button. Thanks in advance!

There is not very much I can say I have been very good at in life. Not to put myself down, but honestly and truly. I have always been one of those people that is mediocre at a lot if things but not incredible at anything in particular. I am not a great athlete, I am not a great artist. I can't sing, I am not booksmart and I don't really have any talents of any kind. 

If you had asked me a year or so ago I would have said the thing I am best at is loving people. I love unconditionally. I just want everyone around me to be happy no matter what and I may not be the best at it, but I would have said it was my greatest strength. Undying, unconditional love. 

When Mia was born within a matter of minutes I felt in my heart that I could be a great mom. I honestly had doubts throughout my pregnancy which I'm sure everyone has. It's an unknown journey that lies before you that will change your entire life for the remainder of it. People are quick to remind you of that. I just remember gazing into her eyes, rubbing her cheek and thinking about how much love I knew I could give her. 

Somehow along the way, somewhere between the rocking a teeny newborn to sleep, the 1 and 4am feedings, the long days and the short months I found my talent. I am a really good mom. That is my strength. 

I have never been good with self confidence. I'm not one to toot my own horn by any means, but I can speak with confidence for once in my life. When it comes to something I am good at there is actually something I can respond with. 

Granted, Mia is 4 months old. How do you know you're a good mom in 4 months right? You simply do the very best you can every moment of every day. 

I had a tough pregnancy in the sense that I was very sick and very uncomfortable the entire 9 months (though there are far far worse things so I hate complaining!). Pregnancy was not my favorite time, though it was wonderful and I wouldn't trade the experience. Motherhood though is what I feel I was truly meant to do, it just feels natural to me.

That doesn't mean I claim to have the answer to everything or the perfect way of doing things, just simply that I try to and then discover what works best for us. 

I feel as though I am rambling and there is really no point to this post except to simply say I am happy I finally feel good at something. It has been far to many years of not being!

Battle Scars

The impact your experiences while growing up can have on you later in life weighs more heavily than you would ever expect them to. This is part of the reason trusting Mia to a caregiver gives me anxiety. The thought of leaving her to someone who won't think much of the experiences she has among many other reasons just freaks me out. What if something scars her?

I am scarred from my experiences. In elementary school I had 3 friends I spent every lunch hour with and those 3 friends were basically all I had. Danni had gone to another school and I hadn't met Echo yet. One day out of the blue for reasons I still don't know, they decided to pretend I didn't exist. I walked up to them one morning and they ignored me. They ignored me all of class, all of lunch etc. I was suddenly friendless in the cruelest way possible. 

I remember coming home and crying the hardest I have ever cried with my mom. Thinking why couldn't they just talk to me. What did I ever do to them to be treated this way?

It was three immensely painful, long months of bullying, stealing my things, shoving me into walls, breaking my pencils, and much name calling and evil stares before they decided they had "had their fun" and "allowed me" to be part of their group again. I forgave them and foolishly asked for their friendship back as if it were some kind of gift because I was lonely and had no one else. 

I don't talk about this much because I try to block it all out. It was one of the worst times of my life. No child should ever have to go through that. 

Experiencing this scarred me for life. I don't mean to come off sounding dramatic when I say this, but a young girl in grade 4 experiencing this? Sorry but it can't do anything but scar you. I am a forgiving person, but I will never completely forgive those girls for putting me through that and causing the effects on my life that it has. 

They are the reason I feel lonely in a group of friends, like everyone is thinking cruel things behind my back. The reason I hate feeling left out of activities I wasn't invited to when a normal person would understand you can't always be included in everything. They're the reason I battled depression in middle school, have always been unhappy with myself and why that will never completely go away. 

One small moment in time, one experience, can cause your whole life to change. 

As if dealing with all these side effects isn't a large enough time consumer in my life - now I worry about Mia. Will she have to experience bullying the same way I did? Will some experience either in this form or completely different shape her future? Will she always talk to me about her experiences and if she does, will I be able to save her from pain?

Why can't the world be a safe place where everyone is kind to one another?

I hate that I still remember so vividly that feeling in elementary school when I felt so alone and betrayed. I hate that the hurt, sad little girl I was still seeps into my life from time to time without me even realizing it. I hate that those girls had any negative effect on the life I have lead in the years after those events. I wish there was some way to take all of the pain caused by that moment and any subsequent ones away. Maybe all I can do now is to do everything I can to protect Mia from it. 

Beautiful girl fell asleep watching Curious George today. Not sure what this obsession with monkeys is all about since I've never been that into them, but she seems to love them! 

It's so fun watching her little personality develop and seeing the things she loves unfolding before our eyes.

I came across this blog today http://avioletlifeforme.blogspot.ca/?m=1 through a random click of a button and bawled my eyes out as I read through each post. My stomach felt sick, my throat got that achy burning feeling and I thought "oh my gosh I will never feel safe with Mia. Ever". When I finished reading I went and picked my sleeping Mia up from her crib and cuddled her like never before. Cuddle your baby every single time you want to or need to. Every. Single. Time. You will never regret it. 

My whole pregnancy was always about getting to the safe zone for me. Getting to 12 weeks, then setting new "safe goals". Getting past this test, getting past this milestone or that milestone. Getting to the point of labor, having a safe delivery, seeing her face, hearing her heartbeat.

After that it was infancy. Get through those early months, when the risk of SIDS is highest etc etc. 

I now realize I will never feel safe. That fear I had from the moment I knew she was conceived will never go away. Ever. This will be my life - doing everything I can every single day to make sure she is ok. 

I have always admired the strength of parents whose children have suffered like Violet. Like our local Baby Hannah, like Ronan, like so many other kids in this world fighting. I don't know now they find the strength. I thought this before Mia came into this world but now I can't even so much as think about these things and I turn into an absolute basket case. 

I try to hold Mia every chance I get, tell her I love her, kiss her, pray for her, quadruple check safety things - but it would never ever be enough. Ever. I just can't even imagine. 

On the weekend of Mother's Day stumbling across this blog seems more like fate than accident. So here's to the mothers who have been there, where no mother ever wants to be. To the ones who have watched their children suffer sick to their stomachs in heartache for them and were their strength when they could not find their own. To the mothers who lost their children far too young. To the mothers whose children did not make it - past embryo, past fetus, past birth, past infancy and onward.  All of them. To my Allie, to my Echo, to everyone I love and all those in the world whom I have never met who have ever experienced loss. May you be blessed with strength this Mother's Day. I am sending my love <3

Mia Isabella Noelle Woodske

This post is extremely overdue but I am only feeling like I have the time and the energy to do it for the first time tonight - after 10 weeks!

I wanted to write out Mia's birth story somewhere and originally I was going to write it in the journal I have for her I kept through my pregnancy and plan to continue keeping for her. More on that later. However, since I haven't had a chance to do that and I tend to have my phone on me more often, I am going to jot it down here and print and add it in for her. I already feel like by delaying this I have forgotten so much but I don't want to forget any more!!

Mia,

You were born 9 days late on a Friday afternoon at 1:36pm. February 7th 2014. I will always and forever remember this date and this time as the single greatest moment of my life. No contest. 

My water broke on Wednesday February 5th sometime around 10pm while we were enjoying a nice bath. This had become my nightly ritual during the days you were overdue and each night I remember thinking I should savor the moment because it would potentially be the last time we had a relaxing bubble bath just the two of us with you kicking around inside my tummy. 

On this particular evening I felt compelled to have a heart to heart with you about the lack of prompt-ness in regards to your arrival into the world. I told you baby girl I love feeling your kicks and movements and I love this time together just us two but I would really love to meet you and take care of you - so please please come meet us soon. Tomorrow would be great I said. I told you I know it is cold out (the weather had been the coldest of the winter thus far over the past few weeks) but I promised to keep you warm and cosy if you came out to meet us soon. 

It wasn't 5-10 more minutes before I felt an odd gushing and thought hmm I have either done something very awkward just now or my water broke. I remembered learning in prenatal class that a very small  fraction of women actually have their water naturally break as a start to labor and I was beginning to think you would never come out so I wasn't entirely convinced it was anything more than a lack of bladder control which was one of the unpleasant end of pregnancy sensations. 

I enjoyed the rest of our bath unsure of what had occurred. After I got out I felt it again slightly but was still not positive so I crawled into bed. 

Somewhere around midnight, just a few hours later, I awoke with contractions. This wasn't uncommon for me since I was having prodromal labor the last few weeks of pregnancy, but the intensity was completely new as was being awoken from sleep. Typically I was having minor completely random un-timeable. contractions before falling asleep. I had never awoken from sleep with any. I tried to go back to sleep, but after a while realized these were far too intense to sleep through so I began timing them. After timing them on my iPhone app for about half an hour I determined that they were about a minute and a half long, 3 minutes apart. This was a little concerning because we had learned in prenatal class that labor should start out with short contractions about 20 minutes apart. I woke your dad and he timed them for me for a bit to confirm I wasn't crazy! He then called our midwife Uta. Uta was unsure why the contractions would be so close together and long this early on so decided it would be best to come by but in the interim to have a bath and see if that helped.

I remember laying in the bath having contractions that night and thinking "thank you for listening baby girl!"  I was more excited than ever to meet you. Uta arrived and I got out of the bath. She checked me over and coached me through contractions with your dad until about 5am then told me to continue laboring and meet her at the hospital in a few hours. My contractions stayed the same in distance and intensity. 

We met her at the hospital where she checked your vitals, checked me out and then sadly contractions started to slow to every 20 minutes. I was starting labor at the beginning as it should have started. 

I later asked her after you were born why that would have happened as typically women go through each phase of labor on order. Her theory is that pehaps you were almost in the right position to come and then moved again, and then took time to find the right one again - but there really is no way to know for sure what happened. All women are different. 

We were discharged and headed back to your grandparents to continue laboring since we weren't sure how fast you would come and didn't want to head all the way back to Sooke if they started strong again. All day Thursday I labored there with contractions 20 minutes apart. All day, all evening, and then we headed home after dinner since nothing had changed. 

As I was laying in bed Thursday night trying to rest I managed to fall asleep in between contractions a few times before the next one would come. I kept trying to visualize your beautiful face and the wonderful adventures we could have together to keep me distracted from the pain. 

From what I remember I must have managed to fall asleep for about an hour and then was awoken with an intense contraction far worse than any so far. Just as the night before, I couldn't get back to sleep and began timing them. They were getting closer together. I again woke your dad. He called Uta again and she said the same as the night before - try a bath and she would be right over. This time the bath seemed to make it worse and I got out after just a few minutes. I kept pacing the room trying new positions and places I think some part of me was hoping to find some magic spot that would hurt less than the others. It didn't happen. Uta arrived, checked me and again coached us through labor until somewhere around 8am. She told us to continue to labor at home and meet her at the hospital in a few hours. She then told us "you are going to meet your baby girl today". My heart melted. 

I remember driving to the hospital with your daddy in the truck and the snow was falling all around us. I have always felt snow is such a magical thing. I remember falling in love with your daddy in the winter, walking hand in hand in the falling snow. It was so magical. I was thinking about this as we drove - how perfect it is that snow was there on the day you were born. That it was falling all around me like magic. A kiss from heaven. It was like a dream. 

We arrived at the hospital and I stopped many times on the way from the truck to the labor ward so I could get through a contraction. This is where things get less clear in my memory. Contractions were very intense. I remember getting into the room and hearing the woman in the room next to us screaming. I was a little concerned about doing the same (It sounded like she was in a lot of pain!) but remember being surprised that I wasn't more scared. I had waited long enough, I just wanted to meet you - I didn't care what I had to go through to do it. 

I labored on the bed for a while, then in the restroom, then on the bed again. As I write this I think wow it's so simple to write yet nothing I say can describe how intense it was. It was painful, it was surreal and it was also in its own way - totally wonderful. 

People will tell you how much pain labor is as you grow up and when you start to think about a family of your own you'll hear it (or just notice it) even more. I want to tell you that from experience, don't listen. Don't. In my experience women seem to enjoy scaring other women into thinking labor is this terrible thing. It's all "my friends friend had this happen during labor..." Or "my labor was the worst because..."  But don't listen to them. Yes it's painful, yes it's extremely hard, yes it feels like it will never end at points - but I actually really enjoyed it at the end of it all. What they don't tell you is that it's also miraculous, wonderful and beautiful. Yes my labor with you was very long, very painful and hard - but it was also amazing and I loved the whole experience. I wish that same feeling for you one day. I actually really enjoyed it, it was beautiful. 

I remember thinking as I was laboring through contractions how much longer it would be until I would see you. I asked Uta out loud several times how much longer. She told me not to worry about it. To be fair, I waited my whole life for you - so I don't think she realized it wasn't about wanting the pain to end, or wanting this long labor to finally be over for me. It was about meeting you. I was so close, I had waited an extra 9 days past the date I had been anxiously counting down to and I wanted to know if I would be waiting another hour, another day, another two days... I just wanted to meet you and I was tired of waiting. 

When I started pushing for some reason it was the only time in labor I felt discouraged. Pushing was harder to do than I had expected. I thought that would be the easier part, everyone always told me labor was better once you got to the pushing. For me, it wasn't. I think for the most part a huge part of it was that I had forgotten that they taught us in prenatal class that with every push you would get closer and then you would fall back a but. It was like I would be helping you take one step forward and two back. In retrospect I wish I had retained that bit of information, it was far more important than I realized at the time. However who knows maybe the fact that I didn't helped me push you out so fast. 

So because I had forgotten that important tidbit, pushing was hard for me because I felt discouraged that you were so close and I couldn't just push you right out. I felt like I wasn't doing a good job because I couldn't push you right out. I pushed so hard each time, with all my might. I wanted you here, I was tired of waiting.

Uta grabbed my neck and tried to show me how close you were, she said she could see your head and wanted to give me motivation and proof that I was doing great. I was too short and I couldn't see. I wish I had been able to see. Your dad kept telling me you were right there but I didn't really believe either of them. You felt so far away still. 

Finally I felt a huge relief of pressure. I had my eyes closed most of the long contractions at this point and my routine was when they were over I would look at your dad who was sitting beside me, holding my hand and being amazing. I remember the feeling of the release of pressure and then simultaneously hearing Uta say something like "she's here!" and seeing your Dad start crying. As your body and legs were coming out, I was watching your dad's face watching you. I had never seen him cry. Ever. He is not an outwardly emotional man whatsoever but I could tell he was so head over heels in love with you already. He had tears streaming down his face and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen him do. I was so proud of him for caring so much and for completely letting go. I am so glad he did, it was an amazing and touching moment. 

When you came out they put you on my chest and I immediately began stroking

your check and telling you that you were ok. Instincts kick in and you have no idea why you are doing what you're doing all throughout labor and afterward. 

You were perfect. I couldn't take my eyes off of your face.

The time we spent in that room right after you were born - you, your daddy and I - were he best moments. Time stopped and we were continuously saying how perfect you were. It was instant love. 

I think I kept telling you that you were ok because I had many nightmares and fears that you wouldn't be. I have always had lots of nightmares, sometimes crazy and sometimes logical. Strangely enough sometimes they come true in oddly specific fashion. I had several nightmares over the years regarding childbirth which is why I am surprised I wasn't scared during labor. It was my mind and body speaking out loud saying to myself "I know you don't believe it, but here she is, she is ok and she is safe". 

I am lying here now, you are rested on my chest wrapped in a blanket with your arms around my neck. You are sound asleep and I can feel your breath on my skin. These are the moments I want to hold onto so strongly. I want to remember every second of all of them / because one day I will look back and the will have seemed to go by so quickly. They already are. 

I love you with all my heart. You are my sunshine, my princess and my beautiful baby girl. We both love you to the moon and back and know you are going to do amazing things. I guess I can forgive you for entering the world fashionably late...

Infinite love always and forever

Mommy 

xoxoxo

Fear

Little girl,

You are 6 days overdue now... I'm not sure if you are aware of this but that means you are late. I'm not sure where you get that trait from considering both your daddy and I are always early or promptly on time for everything. 

I don't mind waiting for you if you aren't ready I really don't. Our midwife says you are perfectly happy in there. Your heartbeat is great, your fluid is great, she says you are very comfortable. 

However, sometimes I get scared knowing the things I know now about things that can go wrong. I just want to hold you in my arms and be able to try to protect you and that's a lot harder to do with you in there instead of out here where I can see what you are doing.  If you could come out soon so I can do that for you that would be great.

Of course, there are a lot of people who want to meet you too. Benjamin can't wait to have Disney movie dates with you for example!

Please come out soon so we can meet you, love you and protect you.