I came across this blog today http://avioletlifeforme.blogspot.ca/?m=1 through a random click of a button and bawled my eyes out as I read through each post. My stomach felt sick, my throat got that achy burning feeling and I thought "oh my gosh I will never feel safe with Mia. Ever". When I finished reading I went and picked my sleeping Mia up from her crib and cuddled her like never before. Cuddle your baby every single time you want to or need to. Every. Single. Time. You will never regret it. 

My whole pregnancy was always about getting to the safe zone for me. Getting to 12 weeks, then setting new "safe goals". Getting past this test, getting past this milestone or that milestone. Getting to the point of labor, having a safe delivery, seeing her face, hearing her heartbeat.

After that it was infancy. Get through those early months, when the risk of SIDS is highest etc etc. 

I now realize I will never feel safe. That fear I had from the moment I knew she was conceived will never go away. Ever. This will be my life - doing everything I can every single day to make sure she is ok. 

I have always admired the strength of parents whose children have suffered like Violet. Like our local Baby Hannah, like Ronan, like so many other kids in this world fighting. I don't know now they find the strength. I thought this before Mia came into this world but now I can't even so much as think about these things and I turn into an absolute basket case. 

I try to hold Mia every chance I get, tell her I love her, kiss her, pray for her, quadruple check safety things - but it would never ever be enough. Ever. I just can't even imagine. 

On the weekend of Mother's Day stumbling across this blog seems more like fate than accident. So here's to the mothers who have been there, where no mother ever wants to be. To the ones who have watched their children suffer sick to their stomachs in heartache for them and were their strength when they could not find their own. To the mothers who lost their children far too young. To the mothers whose children did not make it - past embryo, past fetus, past birth, past infancy and onward.  All of them. To my Allie, to my Echo, to everyone I love and all those in the world whom I have never met who have ever experienced loss. May you be blessed with strength this Mother's Day. I am sending my love <3